For some reason I really wanted to email Doug just to see if he could help import this...Shithouse crap caravan - suitable for dogging / sordid affairs / murdering | eBay
I bet this lady is a riot to drink with:
Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it. My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.
Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both. Also pretty useful if you’re thinking of getting into murdering. I considered contacting the producers of The Fall to see if they wanted it for set dressing the next series - lets face it I’d sell my entire family for a chance to look upon Jamie Dornan with my real live eyes - but, well, life is short and ebay has been a good friend to me.
Down to details - this caravan has four walls, a roof, wheels and an interior unmatched in modern times for what I like to call, shabby shit. When I discovered I / we now owned this abomination of a wheeled device, I briefly considered starting a fun project to convert it into something cool - covering it in glitter, wallpapering the walls with fur, doing demented Cath Kidston-esque upholstery and starting an ill advised business touring festivals selling tat etc. but I’ve got two children, a job, and an idiot husband to deal with and quite frankly, time is money so I’m not going to bother.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t though. Think of the fun you could have in it whilst gazing out of the slightly tinted windows at rain-lashed Britain. Perhaps you could whittle a toilet for it out of the sad remains of your soul (there is a space for one). If I had a bigger garden (i.e. one where I couldn’t see this caravan) I’d let my children have it as a playhouse, but having been raised on an almost total visual diet of driftwood and White Company homewares I’m worried that they are simply far too middle class to tolerate the amount of beige laminate which makes up the interior. Nothing a few coats of paint wouldn’t fix, but like I said - ABSOLUTELY NOT to be undertaken by anyone with small children, better things to do, or indeed, any reliable form of social life.
On the other hand, if you’re the kind of person who likes to bake an egg inside an avocado, eat “clean”, sew bunting, create endless ironic pinterest boards of favourite beards and/or breton tops then this could well be just the ticket to while away those spare hours.
This apparently tows well, (although you will need a light board), does not leak, and quite frankly if you’re in the market for a shit caravan - this is the one for you!
Cash on collection, viewings welcome, no sex pests or weirdos, no refunds, absolutely no forward rolls. Call 01604 696907 with any questions
*EDIT - Free idiot husband for winning bidder
** FURTHER EDIT - It has been brought to my attention that the "caravan" would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab.
Apologies for the omission.
Apologies to rolling meth lab workers offended by this omission.