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  #1  
Old July 29th, 2015, 09:32 AM
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Adam
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Talking Tool Definitions!

Enjoy all made me smile

SKIL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-ups into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit' . Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost exclusively for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, thereby in the process trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that will more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. As with the case with the Table Saw, also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and frequently effective at butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you removed but will need later in order to properly replace the 50 cent part you were going after.

PVC PIPE CUTTER :
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also: very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice right through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These fabric remnants can then be used to staunch blood flow as you initiate a trip to the emergency room where a doctor can sew up the damage. (SURGICAL TOOLS: Beyond the scope of this list.



SON OF A BITCH TOOL :
Any handy general purpose tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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  #2  
Old July 29th, 2015, 10:07 AM
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"TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect. "


So...painfully true...
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  #3  
Old July 29th, 2015, 10:25 AM
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Russell
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Radial Arm Saw - This is the old school finger(s) amputating tool of choice. Especially for the folks that use it to rip. Chisel - If you are looking for a trip to the ER, a dull one will increase your chances.
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  #4  
Old July 29th, 2015, 11:44 AM
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Don Bunnell
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Haha - those are great!
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  #5  
Old July 29th, 2015, 11:51 AM
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Brian
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Funny and unfortunately for me, true.
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  #6  
Old July 29th, 2015, 12:25 PM
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Don Bunnell
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Add on Rover specific:

13mm wrench - must be invisible. no matter how many you buy it seems that you can never find any of them when you need it.
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  #7  
Old July 29th, 2015, 12:40 PM
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Adam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don View Post
Add on Rover specific:

13mm wrench - must be invisible. no matter how many you buy it seems that you can never find any of them when you need it.


haha, true. But if you don't actually own the wrench somehow you can see it, weird.
Jim I still have yours. I'm sure you've been looking for it.
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  #8  
Old July 29th, 2015, 12:40 PM
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Zack
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don View Post
Add on Rover specific:

13mm wrench - must be invisible. no matter how many you buy it seems that you can never find any of them when you need it.
Yet I have 4 different 14mm wrenches at any given time
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  #9  
Old July 29th, 2015, 03:33 PM
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Don Bunnell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Z.G View Post
Yet I have 4 different 14mm wrenches at any given time
Lol - so true - the only time that 14 ever gets use is if I am cheating on a prop shaft nut/bolt.
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  #10  
Old July 29th, 2015, 03:36 PM
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Zack
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don View Post
Lol - so true - the only time that 14 ever gets use is if I am cheating on a prop shaft nut/bolt.
I have 3 9/16ths and the 9/16ths propshaft tool haha. I somehow acquire the oddest quantities of tools.
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  #11  
Old July 29th, 2015, 04:33 PM
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John
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ROTFLMAO these are great
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  #12  
Old July 29th, 2015, 07:23 PM
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Don Bunnell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Z.G View Post
I have 3 9/16ths and the 9/16ths propshaft tool haha. I somehow acquire the oddest quantities of tools.
3?! That's a lot!
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  #13  
Old July 29th, 2015, 08:04 PM
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Charles Galpin
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Too funny. And so true.
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