This is a buddy of mine...someone nicked his Trek bike in broad daylight. Anyone in the Boston area that spots it, there is a hefty (and original) reward offered.
At the very least, it's an entertaining read:
$300 REWARD - Stolen Trek 520 from BU (St Mary's) on Tuesday btw 4-8 - $300 (St. Mary's Street Parking Meter )
Date: 2012-06-28, 8:22AM EDT
Reply to: email@example.com [Errors when replying to ads?]
Some motherf#cker stole my 2007 25'' black Trek 520 (touring bike with rear rack) on Tuesday 5/26 from a bike rack attached to a parking meter in front of 15 St. Mary's classroom building at Boston University (right across the street from the entrance to the Photonics building). It was stolen between 4:15 and 8PM in broad daylight. The thick cable lock was cut - which most likely required a set of bolt cutters or some other tool that was big enough to be noticed. It happened exactly halfway between the pink food truck and the door to 15 St. Mary's on the west side of the street. Below is a stock pic from Trek. My bike looks very similar except it has a 48-spoke rear wheel.
I just want my bike back. I completely rely on it for my everyday transportation and it has a ton of sentimental value. It's been passed on from generation to generation in my family for almost 3,000 years.
I'd really like to give it to my son some day. And even though I don't have a son, I'm sure he'd like to give it to his son at some point as well.
In all seriousness, I'll give you $300 cash if you can produce my bike or give me information that allows me to recover it. I don't care who you are, how you know where it is, why you know where it is, etc. Even if you are the thief I'll reward you for your brazen act on a busy street in broad daylight.
Should the thief not come forward, I'll offer anyone else $250 for each of his testicles. $500 max bonus. Unless he has 3. Note: You must present them in a tuxedo on a silver platter with one of those fancy domed covers (see below pic).
If the bike goes unreturned, the consequences will be as follows: I will pay Clubber Lang, Bobba Fett, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan to have a 3 way - which will produce a son that I'll name 'Justice'. I'll then send the boy to the Royce Gracie school of Jiu-Jitsu submission tactics. And on his 18th birthday, he and I will come to your house and fuck your shit up.
Thank you for your time.
***update*** My friend has offered to show her boobs to anyone who finds my bike. So now it's $300 AND boobs (plus an optional $500 for the gonads). Or, alternatively, the mystery thief will have their ass kicked in 2030 by myself and Justice.
disclaimer: much of this content was shamelessly poached from a victim much more capable of channeling their anger into humor (as opposed to my obsessive dreaming about cutting off the toes of the bike thief with his own bolt cutters)