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Old April 10th, 2007, 05:20 AM
jimmy salmon's Avatar
jimmy salmon
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jimmy salmon
94 D90 AA Yellow
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Methuen MA USA
Posts: 1,343
haynes manual

found this on a UK site, sounds about right

Haynes manual....
For anyone who has ever trid to fix a car using one of these bl00dy things:

How to read a Haynes manualů

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

3rd low and BOOT IT
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Old April 10th, 2007, 08:26 AM
Blodders35's Avatar
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Owen Hammond
98 300TDI 90 Hardtop
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Didcot, Oxfordshire. England
Posts: 2

Hi Jimmy, Loved the Haynes manual thread very good indeed I've only just stop laughing anyway
went Sodury sortout at the weekend at Newbury Show Ground wasn't selling this time went late
afternoon didn't seem to be that many selling but was bissy anyway. I brought set of clear lens(ind)
and headlamps ones to also tools,bulb pack,ploish and a sticker. Before i went home i called in on
Tony but he wasn't there but Gail was in spoke to her, Tony was on his way back from a biking race
(Montain) with his youngist anyway didn't stay went home. Did you guys have a good Easterbreak?
Hey sorry was going on a bit then seeya laters mate O

Opps O well i'll fix it later
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Old April 10th, 2007, 09:04 AM
KevinNY's Avatar
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Kevin Buckley
1973 coiler
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Guilderland,NY
Posts: 1,462

For those that don't speak english a "plaster" is a bandage.
'73 SeriesIII coiler,"The Goat", Daihatsu 2.8TD,Santana,Ashcroft,ARB's,etc., now SOLD
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Old April 10th, 2007, 08:48 PM
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Randy Black
'95 D 90 SW
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Tulsa Ok USA
Posts: 753
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. -Thomas Jefferson
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